omake!
by Cheeseburger of Doom
Summary: [Warlords omake!] just something silly I wrote, as a spoof on my AU series Warlords.


omake!

"Well, Sanada, good job on protecting Kaido," said Oishi, the leader of the Save Your Uke Support Group, SYUSG (as mentioned in the original unedited version of Warlords #1).

"Yeah, but he did a shit job of protecting his first uke!" Akutsu spoke up from the back. "So why the hell is he still here?" (Akutsu didn't like Sanada very much because Sanada had won the Seme of the Year award, and Akutsu had wanted the giant chocolate bunny that came as a prize).

"Anou," Oishi said, scratching the back of his very round head, "Your uke died as well, Akutsu."

"..." Akutsu went back to sulking lurking in his personal dark corner.

"All right everyone, now is the time to share any experiences you'd like to share," Oishi said, with a big smile.

"I have a question first," Shishido said. "I want to know why all the dead guys are here."

"Without them, we wouldn't have much of a club," Oishi said, with a shrug. "I admit it's a little unorthodox, but we didn't have much of a choice."

Shishido mumbled something about living corpses and how it was unnatural.

"Would anyone like to share something with us?" Oishi looked around the room hopefully.

Yagyuu raised his hand. "I really was seme," he said.

"Bullshit!" exclaimed Niou. "I was the leader of the gang! I was the big macho cool dude! I was seme!"

"No, you weren't."

"Was!"

"No."

"YES!"

"No."

"Could you two just shut it?" Shishido exclaimed. "No one gives a crap!"

"Didn't you kill your uke?" Oshitari asked Yagyuu curiously.

"Well, yes."

"I'm not uke!"

"Doesn't that nullify your membership?"

"We decided to let him stay on because he's a valuable member," Oishi said.

"You let him stay on because he's hot!" Jiroh announced, then he went back to sleep.

"Well...that too." Oishi cleared his throat. "Does anyone else have any experience they would like to share? I'm here to listen, you know. I'll try to help you with any problems you may have. Well, except for impotency. In that case, see Inui. He's working on a new potion."

Inui, who was clad in a lab coat and working on something in the adjoining lab, waved at them through the window.

Atobe raised his hand. "Not that I need help or anything, since I'm a god and can solve my own problems -- but I am a little concerned that the person I thought of as a younger brother has turned into my uke. Is that normal?"

"Incest is popular these days," Oshitari commented. "I was with my cousin for a while, you know, and Mizuki was using his half brother as a love slave."

"Don't talk about that so lightly," Yanagi said. There was fire in his eyes. Or at least there would have been, had they been open.

"Ah..." Oishi coughed yet again. "Well. We have a new member this week, everyone say hello to Shinjyo!"

"Hi, Shinjyo!", exclaimed everyone except Akutsu, who said "Go to hell."

"Yuuta just became his official uke yesterday. Um...well, no details, please. Tell the group a little about yourself, Shinjyo!"

"Deep impulse."

"...yes." Oishi looked at his list. "The next order of business is to discuss the T-shirts that we're going to be making soon. Have you all submitted your designs?"

"I have one," Mizuki said. "I just finished it last night." He handed his paper to Oishi.

"Ah, well, it's...interesting. Very colorful." Oishi filed it away. Far away. "By the way, Mizuki, you don't seem very upset that your uke is also Shinjyo's uke."

"Oh, I was expecting that," Mizuki said, with a shrug. "I'm thinking of trying to get Kirihara back again anyway."

"No," Yanagi said, with danger in his eyes.

"...or not."

"Hey Oishi, weren't you Kirihara's seme at one point too?" asked someone...

"Er..." Oishi did not want to answer for fear of incurring Yanagi's wrath.

Inui, who had just finished in the lab, whipped out his notebook. "I would like to conduct a survey," he said. "Who here hasn't slept with Kirihara?"

"Hey, Atsushi, why isn't your hand up?" Ryou growled. (Both twins were in attendance because they had never been able to decide who was uke. Likewise, the Tanaka twins were not in attendance because neither of them felt particularly seme.)

"Well, there was this one time when..." Atsushi trailed off when he realized that Yanagi and Ryou were both staring at him with strange looks in their eyes (or on their faces, since Yanagi apparently had no eyes) "Um...never mind."

Yanagi turned his scariness upon Inui. "Sadaharu. I would suggest that you put that notebook away before I'm forced to dismember you."

"...on second thought, I've decided not to conduct that survey after all."

Hiyoshi stood suddenly, knocking his chair over. "Damn it, why am I even here? You all ignore me, and I don't even have an uke!"

Many pairs of eyes turned to look at him.

"Well...I mean...uh..."

"You don't have an uke?" Atobe started laughing hysterically. "Haha, oh, how pathetic! Even I, a former uke, have an uke!"

"I..."

"Well, Hiyoshi, maybe you should have spent less time plotting my demise and more time chasing the boys in the gang!" Inui commented.

"I..."

"Even I have an uke, and I'm a slimier bastard than you are!" Mizuki howled. "I was messing around with my half brother!"

"ENOUGH!" exclaimed Oishi. "Leave the poor boy alone. He'll find his uke someday."

"But Oishi...he's one of the dead ones," Sanada whispered.

"Um," said Oishi.

"I'll be his uke!" Jiroh exclaimed, waking up again.

"Aren't you a seme?"

"I'm not really either," Jiroh said. "I just liked the free refreshments at these meetings."

"Will you really be my uke?" Hiyoshi asked.

"Of course!"

Hiyoshi and Jiroh went to seal the agreement.

"Is this meeting over yet?" asked Sanada. He never had very much to say at these meetings. He preferred to hover in the background and look macho. "Kaido promised to shave my legs tonight." ...then again, maybe macho wasn't quite the right word.

"Um," Oishi said again. "I...I guess this meeting is adjorned! Remember everyone, protect your ukes!"

"Hai!" Everyone said. They stood to sing the Save Your Uke Song.

__

Oh, pretty pretty uke.

Who sometimes makes me puke...

We need you for our desires...

And changing our spare tires!

Uke, uke, oh pretty uke!

Sometimes, we don't know how to understand you!

But that's okay! because we're seme!

And we get to beep beep beep you!

"See you again next week!"

"Bye everyone!"

"Bye."

"Later!"

"Bye."

"...I wanted the damn bunny."

fin


End file.
